Here Am I, Send Me

November 7, 2022

Melissa Valerio

In February 2013, my daughter Holly was born. Although a little on the light side, in terms of weight, she seemed healthy overall, at first. However, it took her quite a while to learn how to nurse, and she seemed to cry at almost everything. Over the course of the next year I noticed things about her that weren’t quite right. She wasn’t rolling over, she wasn’t grasping toys, she wasn’t making cooing noises. And at her one-year checkup, still not being able to crawl, her pediatrician suggested I get her genetically tested to hopefully find some answers. The results of the genetic testing showed that she had a missing chromosome which resulted in developmental delay. I would later find out after a few years in the elementary special education system, that she is also autistic. Bummer. 

Since her birth, my life was on a different path than I originally planned. No more easy outings to the store, no more easy vacations, no more easy anything. A part of me wondered if I had done something wrong in my pregnancy. Maybe I took the wrong prenatal vitamins, maybe I got pregnant too soon after my son was born, maybe I didn’t drink enough water. Or maybe I drank too much coffee. Or maybe it wasn’t anything physical, but maybe I had done something to disappoint God, and this was the consequence. Maybe I strayed too far for too long and He was punishing me. I couldn’t figure out what God was doing and why He allowed Holly to be this way. I mean, He’s God, so He has the power to make people healthy. If He had that power, why wouldn’t He do that? What’s the point of having special needs people? Has anyone else ever felt that way or is it just me??? 

So, in my searching and praying and crying out to the Lord, I would ask Him “How am I supposed to raise her? How am I supposed to handle her? How am I supposed to connect with her and raise her for You? Why would You make her like this, anyway? What’s the purpose of her life?” 

And God lovingly whispered to my spirit “I made her with My own hands for My own purposes and for My own glory. Not for your life to be easy.”  

So, He took me to Psalm 139:13-14 which reads “For You created my innermost parts; You wove me in my mother’s womb. I will give thanks to You, because I am awesomely and wonderfully made; wonderful are Your works, and my soul knows it very well.” This verse describes the intricacies of God’s formation of us. Holly was formed chromosome by chromosome, cell by cell, vein by vein, limb by limb, all under the watchful eye and careful hands of God himself. He DID NOT leave anything out that should have been there. And I realized that Holly is exactly the way she was designed to be. Praise Jesus, I didn’t do anything wrong! And if you have a special needs child, neither did you. They’re not missing a single thing in their bodies or minds. They are COMPLETE in the way they were structured. 

Then He took me to Jeremiah 1:5 which reads “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born, I consecrated you (set you apart).” This verse confirms that God knew Holly and had a plan for Holly long before I met her or had any plans for her.  

Finally, He took me to Isaiah 6:8 which reads “Then I heard the voice of the Lord, saying, ‘Whom shall I send, and who will go for Us?’ Then I said, ‘Here am I. Send me!’” In this passage, Isaiah is a prophet for God and was offering to go do the will of the Father – to tell the nation that God’s judgement was coming. His wasn’t a life of ease either, yet he submitted and obeyed. I can almost see Holly standing there before the Lord’s throne, saying “Here am I. Send me. Send me and teach through me. Teach patience. Teach perseverance. Teach hope. Teach endurance. Teach humility. Teach submission. Teach servanthood. Teach dependency on You.”

So, what’s the point of Holly’s life? She’s already fulfilling what I’m still learning – living your life for the Lord’s purposes. You’re amazing, Holly, for giving up a life of “ease” and submitting to the life God has appointed you. You’re teaching me far more than I’ll ever be able to teach you. I am honored to be called your mama. I can’t wait to see you glorified in Heaven!

Prayer: Dear Lord Jesus, thank You for my Holly-pop. She’s more of a blessing than I could have ever imagined. Thank you for teaching me so much about You through her. Please continue to guide me in the way I raise her. She belongs to You; may I honor You in the way I love her.  

Action: Do you know a special needs family? Send them a card to let them know you’re thinking about them. Write Psalm 139:13-14 in there. Are you a special needs family? Memorize Psalm 139:13-14 together.